Asking for what you want

I have a bank account that I only use for a couple of specific things. It was low and I left it that way until the time when I'll need to use it again. A company took money from it as an automatic debit without my permission. This caused the bank to charge me $28. By the time I got the notice, the bank had charged me another $36.

I called the company and had them replace what they took out. I talked to a bank manager about the charges. In this kind of conversation, you have to realize who has the positional power. In this case, it was the banker. Blaming the bank for their practices would not help me. Getting angry or feeling abused wouldn't help either. I took the time to build some rapport. I acknowledged that he had the power.

I asked for my money back. I was polite, direct, firm, and respectful. He went into the computer and returned my money. I thanked him and proceeded to talk to him about my public workshop that is coming up. He was very interested!

I find that honesty and sincerity expressed from strength work much better than blaming, complaining,  yelling, or forcefulness. If you can communicate like an adult, most people will at least listen. In summary, if you want something from someone, treat them like a human being and ask for it.

William Frank Diedrich,
http://adult-at-work.com

You're it!

You, and you alone are the cause of your experience.

If you believe you are not the cause of your experience, then you should 

go find who is. 

Follow that person around and try to motivate them to get for you what you want in life.

William Frank Diedrich

http://adults-at-work.com

Stalking my Joy

I am stalking my joy. I find it hidden beneath my fear, patiently waiting for me to recognize it, to welcome it. It's not lost. It is myself who has been lost, running from my fears, avoiding life, blaming self and others for my circumstances. I welcome my fear and allow it to run its course. When it is spent. When I have allowed myself to experience it without judgment -- there lies my Spirit, shining, joyful, ready to live through me and as me. I am stalking my joy. I see it reflected in music, art, nature, and the smiles of other people. When I see the world clearly, it reminds me of who I am, of what I am capable of. I am stalking my joy. William Frank Diedrich, author of The Road Home and Adults at Work. http://adults-at-work.com

Stalking My Fears

I am stalking my fears.

Fear makes us blame. Fear is nothing to be afraid of.
It is emotion -- energy in motion.

I am stalking my fears -- actively watching for them to emerge as anxiety, or anger, or helplessness. I catch them in my trap and feel them -- feel them fully, without analyzing or judging. Then I let them go.

When fear shows up, I run toward  it, not from it.

My fears will learn to be afraid of me. They will become my servants.

I am stalking my fears.


William Frank Diedrich,
author of Adults at Work and three other books.


http://adults-at-work.com

A No Blaming Approach

A no blaming approach means that you can teach yourself to feel good even when things look bad. You can look at your circumstances and say: "Thank you." Whatever is happening is for your learning. You recognize that whatever your life is, you own it.  Your thoughts -- you own them. Your emotions -- you own them. Your actions -- you own them.

To disown or deny is to resist, and to resist makes negative conditions persist. Stop judging and learn from whatever is happening. Feel your emotions and let them go. Clarify what you want and move forward. Go with the flow.

No, it isn't easy. If you blame and complain, that isn't easy either. Who said it should be easy?

William Frank Diedrich
author of Adults at Work and three other books at
http://adults-at-work.com

Live from the inside out

Live from the inside out. Your self-perception creates your thoughts, your emotions, and then your actions. No one is to blame for who you are or for what you choose to do.  Attempting to manipulate the world to make yourself feel better is hard work, especially since you can't control the world.

What you can control is how you see yourself and what you think. Do your thoughts and beliefs make you happy? Do they feel uplifting, or do they bring you down? Do you acknowledge your miracles and successes, or mostly criticize yourself? Each time you feel bad, stop! Let your negative emotions flow through you and then let them go. Envision the life you want and focus on those feelings. Call upon your spiritual resources to guide you in moving up and into a higher quality of life. Your Higher Power will not change your life FOR you. It will help you change your life THROUGH you and AS you.

It begins with your intention. What do you really want?

William Frank Diedrich, author of The Road Home, Beyond Blaming, and Adults at Work.
Found at http://adults-at-work.com

You are a creator

Part of becoming an adult is recognizing that you create your life. This recognition is non-judgmental. That is, you accept that you have created your current state and you don't blame yourself or anyone else for your current state. You are unconditionally accountable. You are not a victim. (Unless that is what you truly want to be; then you will experience life as a victim of it.)

Now that you see and accept that what you currently have is your creation, are you happy with it?
If so, keep on doing what you are doing. If not, decide and envision what you want. Create it in your mind and then know that what you desire, you already have. Since you already have it, give thanks for it. Act in ways that align with your vision. Listen to your Inner Voice, the Voice of Spirit, and let it guide you forward. Bless it. Be content.

In order to change your life you have to change how you feel about your life. Life is a gift.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up.
http://adults-at-work.com

Don't Try

Stop trying and do it. Don't try to love someone. Love them regardless of what they say or do.  Don't try to start a business. Start one. Don't try to lose weight. Set the goal and follow your plan. Don't try to write a book. Write it and finish it.

There is no such thing as trying. Trying is a set up for blaming and excuses.

Your failure or success is not a commentary on who you are. Whether or not you did what you said you would do -- that's what matters.

William Frank Diedrich, author of 4 books:
The Road Home,
30 Days to Prosperity,
Beyond Blaming, and
Adults at Work -- found at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Diversity

I enjoy living in a diverse world where other people look and think differently than me. I like it that others don't agree with me on politics or spirituality. If we all thought the same and looked the same, what would there be to learn? It would be like driving on ice with no brakes. We need the resistance of differences.

Diversity in thought, culture, worship, and philosophy teaches me forgiveness, inspires new thoughts, challenges my assumptions, and helps me to articulate my own thoughts.

Different does not = wrong.  Different = Different.
Bless, rather than blame those who appear different from you. They are only different in the role that they play on this earth. Others, like you, are made in the image of Spirit. We are all cut from the same cloth.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Adults at Work and Beyond Blaming
http://adults-at-work.com

Beyond Blame

When you have a problem with someone, talk to him, not about him.

When you have a problem with someone, understand that YOU have the problem.

Own it. You have influence. You teach him how to treat you by your thoughts and behaviors.

When you blame, you use your power to make yourself powerless.

Beyond blame, you have power.

William Frank Diedrich, Author of
Beyond Blaming  and Adults at Work.
http://adults-at-work.com

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is how you move beyond blaming yourself.
Think about all of the stupid things you've said and the hurtful things you've done, and forgive yourself.  
There is only one thing that stops you from forgiving yourself  -- you don't want to do it.
But what does your guilt buy? What does your incessant self-critical voice actually do for you?
Do you think that if you punish yourself enough you'll be acceptable to God? You are acceptable as you are.

The great thing about being alive today is that you get to start again. Learn from mistakes but don't use them to hold yourself hostage. Give up your past and love the present. You are a blessing to the world.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
The Road Home, and Beyond Blaming, and Adults at Work.
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Adult to Adult Conversations

Some things to keep in mind this political season:
•  If someone disagrees with you, it doesn't mean they are stupid.
•  If you are passionately for or against a candidate -- it doesn't mean you are right.
•  Your disdain for one candidate or another says something about you.
•  If you dismiss the opinions of others, then why would they listen to you?
•  You really don't know what is best for your country. All you have are thoughts, perceptions,           dreams, hopes, prayers, and ideas. Cast your vote according to what you think is right. Accept the results without whining and complaining. Whoever becomes president has the world's hardest job and needs your support.
•  We have to grow up and learn how to have adult to adult conversations. This means that we respect each other and seek first to understand.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up
http://adults-at-work.com

You receive as you have given

We often blame people for the way they react to us. Yet, we influence their reactions. If you bring joy and appreciation into your workplace or your family, you will inspire positive reactions. If you bring anger and hurt, you will probably inspire negative reactions.

You are a center of influence and what you think and feel -- and how you behave has a ripple effect. We are usually receiving what we are giving, in some form. Rather than blame, reflect. Who is the person you are being in that relationship? What story are you telling yourself about that person?

Let go of the story, because it's just a story. It's not real. Opinions and judgments are not real. Step back and ask: What is really happening here? What do I want? What are my next steps?

Be what you want. If you want love; be love. If you want peace; be peace. You are a center of influence and the thoughts and feelings you carry inside are the gifts you give to the world. You will receive as you have given.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Adults at Work and Beyond Blaming
Purchase both at a discount at http://adults-at-work.com

Transactional Relationships

Most workplace relationships appear to be transactional in nature. This means that we operate on a reward and punishment basis.  If you do what I want you to do, I reward you. If you don't do what I want, I punish you.

Transactional relationships are mostly parent-child interactions. The manager asks: "How come that job isn't done."  The staff member defends: "I had too much to do." This is not how real adults interact.

An adult interaction would be more like this:  Manager asks: "Have you completed that job I asked you to do?"
Staff member responds: "Not yet. I have several things going here."
Manager responds: "Let's look at what you have and prioritize. I really need that job done by 3 pm."
Staff member responds: "I can do it if I set everything else aside."    And so on.
This is an adult interaction.

There are no victims in an adult conversation. Two people negotiate the outcome that is best for all concerned.

William Frank Diedrich,  author of the book -- Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up.   http://adults-at -work.com        New workshop offering:  For Adults Only --  See the website.

Adults at Work

In traditional organizations, bosses function as parents and the employees as their children. Authority is the way to get things done.  In today's reality, authority is ineffective as a motivator. People don't want to be controlled. 

In evolving organizations people work in partnership. Each person plays a role and is unconditionally accountable for his/her role and responsibilities. This requires that we engage in adult to adult conversations, that we are honest, caring, and direct. It requires that we become our authentic selves at work. To achieve real success we need to be adults at work.

Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich

http://adults-at-work.com

Blame-storming

Blaming is used to demonstrate that other people or external factors caused a failure. We don't learn from this because the quest to assign blame takes precedence over learning and real accountability. "Blame-storming" occurs rather than brainstorming. There is a lack of real accountability, because no one really owns anything.

From Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich
http://adults-at-work.com

One thought away

When we feel powerless, we complain or blame. What we fail to recognize is that we are but one breath and one thought away from being powerful.

You may find yourself in a situation where you feel nervous or fearful, or frustrated. Remember that emotion is created by your thoughts. Your thought, conscious or subconscious, is creating your present moment reality.  Instead of feeding your fear by complaining and blaming, and feeding your fear by thinking fearful and victim-like thoughts -- stop.

Observe yourself in this situation as if you were floating up above. Take a deep breath. Continue breathing deeply. Observe yourself and others non-judgmentally.

Ask for Spiritual help, however you consider "Spirit" to be -- to help you see this situation as it really is.
This gets you out of your ego.

Ask these two questions:
1. What do I want to come of this? (Your intention)
2. What needs to happen, or what do I need to do to accomplish my intention?

Take action, as indicated, by the wisdom that comes to you. This may be mental, verbal, or physical. Your degree of success will depend on how willing you are to set fear aside and move forward.

For more on "Adult" responses to conflict and life in general, read my book:  Adults at Work.
It is available at http://adults-at-work.com and at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

From Victim to Victor

From my book -- Beyond Blaming
One of my clients was an extremely stressed-out manager who saw the job and the people he worked with as the cause of his stress. I talked to his employees and colleagues. What came up was his tendency to criticize customers and other leaders in the organization in front of his employees. He admitted he did that. We talked about what results he was producing with his behavior.

He began to see that he was teaching his employees to complain about and blame customers and leaders in other departments. He affected customer service in a negative way by blaming and teaching others to blame. He was undermining his own authority by blaming others and making himself appear powerless. His focus on things he could not change created his stress. His "venting" did not release stress, but created more of it for himself and his employees. Each time he complained he became angry, which was a problem for his employees.

Seeing himself in this way was a shock. He didn't want to be a victim. He immediately stopped "venting" in front of his employees. His employees needed him to be a leader and an example. They needed his help in solving problems, not to be a sounding board for his problems. Other leaders needed him to listen and take effective action. He became aware of these needs and stepped up. As a result, most of his stress disappeared.

http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Also available at http://adults-at-work.com

Beyond hope

When we deny or resist what is happening in our lives, we may choose to hope rather than to act. We hope that something or someone will save us. Hope, in this sense, gets in the way of action. Better than hope is expectation. We expect to succeed. Even though we may not know the future, we are responsive to the moment. Envision what you want, and take action.


From Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up available at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Leadership

In any situation where you are a leader, ask yourself:
•  Have I set forth a vision?
•  Are expectations clear?
•  Do I meet people's needs?
•  Do people have the resources needed to do their jobs?
•  Do I speak honestly and listen carefully?
•  Are behavioral boundaries clearly set?

If you have not done ALL of these things, you cannot blame people for poor performance.

Adapted from Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich,
can be purchased through Paypal at   https://www.paypal.com/

Who you believe you are

Who you believe you are creates what you experience. If you accept yourself and are confident, you will draw success to yourself.  People will see it in your walk, hear it in your voice, and notice it in your eyes. Life will respond to your confidence when you are clear about what you want. This is not a hit or miss world and life is not a crap shoot. What you give is what you get.

from:   Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up

by William Frank Diedrich

at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Mistakes

All data from the world is filtered through your belief system. A confident person sees mistakes as temporary conditions, while someone who lacks confidence sees mistakes as evidence of their unworthiness. A powerful person learns from mistakes. How do you see mistakes?

from Adults at Work by William Frank Diedrich

http://intelligentspirit.com

Your message

Your thoughts, words and actions are your message. What messages do your behavior, your body language and facial expressions, your decisions, and your actions send to others? Your overall behavior is your legacy. Are you a visionary, or are you a blamer? What stories do people tell about you?

from Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich,

available at http://intelligentspirit.com

click on the book

You set the tone

Wherever you go, you set a tone. If you shrink into the corner, you influence people to make you invisible. If you don’t believe in what you say or in your right to say it, people won’t take you seriously. When you believe in yourself fully, your passion and confidence attract the attention of others. If you care about them, they sense it. If you value yourself, you will find others valuing you, too. People respond to you in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see them. 

Excerpted from Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich

available at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Your influence determines the results you produce. Life responds to you in accordance with the confidence you hold. The circumstances of your life are your ripple effect.

The Ripple Effect

You give what you have inside of you. If you are joyful and confident, you bring confidence and joy to your relationships. If you are angry and hurt, you bring anger and hurt. Either way, your thoughts and emotions ripple outward. 

from Adults at Work, by William Frank Diedrich

available at http://intelligentspirit.com

In center of attention thinking, you see the world as having caused you to feel hurt or angry. As a center of influence, you acknowledge the way you feel, and you recognize that you are the cause. Once again, thoughts create emotion, not other people.

Self-reflection

An essential element to becoming an adult is the desire and the ability to self-reflect. . . Self-reflection is not self-criticism. Beating yourself up is not useful, and it usually leads to pain and feelings of inferiority. Self-reflection is the ability to step back and observe yourself, as if in a mirror.  It is to clearly see your thoughts, emotions, communications, and behaviors along with the results you are producing.

Excerpted from Bill's new book,  Adults at Work.

Pre-order at 

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=U9ZKXL2J9G6EU

$ 12.00 USD

Good to take a break

Today I didn't read or listen to anything political. It feels good to take a break from blaming.
Also, I didn't blame anyone today. It's good to take a break.
Without blaming I am content. I worked for several hours finishing my book, and I didn't blame myself that it's taking so long. It's good to accept yourself rather than to blame yourself.

It is the same as saying I avoided illness today, and I was well. Blaming is a disease -- one that you can cure with your intention, a little discipline, and love.

William Frank Diedrich is the author of
Beyond Blaming, available at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Complicated problems

Complicated problems don't have simple answers. We tend to blame whoever is standing next to the problem. In politics, people blame the president when things go bad. The president does not act alone.
Democrats blamed President Bush for Iraq, yet most of them voted to send the troops in. Republicans blame President Obama for joblessness, yet in four years they have come up with no significant legislation themselves. Current problems have taken 40 years to develop. There is no one person to blame.

Whoever is president must have the support of both parties.
There can be robust disagreement and debate, and support.
Put party second and country first.

We do not hold our leaders accountable. We only blame.

When you join in the blaming you become distracted from the reality. Both parties have colluded to create the current state. We, the people, have supported them.

Hold your leaders accountable. Ask for their plans. Don't be satisfied with rhetoric.

And pray. Pray that the best candidates will win, understanding that there is no way you could know what they will run into and how they'll respond. Make your best move and turn it over.

William Frank Diedrich. author of
Beyond Blaming,
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Out of the Mess

As we see this year, politics are messy. There is lots of blaming and misleading on both sides. So many people get emotional about their opinions.

I've learned not to believe everything I think. I know that just because something is my opinion, doesn't mean it is right. This is difficult, because spouting off is not as much fun for me as it used to be.

In truth, none of us know the future. None of us know who should be the president. Instead of blaming and yelling at each other, it might be better to listen and ask questions. That's hard, for me, too. I'm doing my best to stay conscious and not automatically jump into the mess.

For those of you who think you are absolutely right, you're not. For those of you who leave a little room for doubt, thank you.

Think for yourself. Don't believe every statement made by those who agree with you. Think and observe. Vote with your mind and heart for the best candidates. Pray that the highest good will come no matter who is elected. Whoever is elected will be the right person!

William Frank Diedrich,
author of Beyond Blaming
found at  http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Two weeks and Bill's new book,  Adults at Work  will be out.   Watch for it!

Influence/connection

You cannot influence from a place of disconnection. Blaming, criticism, and negativity toward another, disconnects you.

Power is increased when you come from a place of appreciation for others. You appreciate who they are and the gifts they have to offer. You believe in their ability to succeed.

You can still offer constructive feedback as needed, but your underlying intention is one of appreciation and helping the other to grow and succeed. You are not better than, because you see an error. You are one human helping another, knowing that at any given moment, it may be you who needs the help.


William Frank Diedrich

Beyond Blaming, found at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Also available in e-book at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Context

People do not get angry at facts so much as they get angry at the meaning they attach to the facts. If my gas gauge is on empty, it is unlikely that I will be angry at my gas gauge. I need to face facts and act. Anger and blaming are often symptoms that we are resisting reality, not accepting it.

Quote from Beyond Blaming, available at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Also available in e-book at Amazon Kindle and at Barnes and Noble Nook

Found at the Goodreads website:
Beyond Blaming. "This is not a book I would have picked up without it coming highly recommended by someone I respect. Even after the first chapter I knew I had something unique in my hands. Great insight, causes you to reflect & change. Very glad I read it."  JJ
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/139480056

Beyond self blame

Much of our blaming is self-directed. Self blaming offers us guilt, shame, and pain. It is not the same as holding yourself accountable.

You, in your guilty state, are of no good to others. Your guilt makes you small when they need you to be big, to lead, to shine.

The past was the past. Let it go. Learn from it. Face your deepest, darkest fears and learn. These fears will dissolve, being the illusions they are. Don't define yourself by your "sins". Don't define yourself by  the criticism and negative opinions of others. Use the thoughts that help you to be more effective, and let go of the rest. Learn and grow. Reflect honestly, and move on.

Step back from your thoughts of self blaming, and look at them. They are only thoughts. See them as separate from you. Make decisions about who you are going to be. No one can decide this for you. You are accountable. Spend more time noticing what gifts you have to offer. Focus and build on your strengths. Wherever you are telling yourself "I can't do that, because ..." wonder instead, "What if I could do that? How could I do that?"

True greatness is humble. You recognize your greatness, yet you know that you have to deal with the same insecurities and fears everyone else does. Move beyond self-blaming. Be you. Be great!

Accountability

Accountability requires feedback.
Accountability is not blaming and feedback is not attacking.

We all need feedback in order to understand the effects of our decisions and behaviors. Feedback is not a game -- there are no winners or losers. It is information. Listen. Apply it where you can.

You can blame and complain about someone, or you can ask them for what you want.
If they don't provide what you want, you can blame and complain -- or allow them the right to say "no." Get your needs met another way.

Accountability is about learning. I make a mistake, and learn from it. Blaming is about condemnation. It provokes defense and attack. It's goal is to produce guilt.  Accountability is about growth.

You are unconditionally accountable for your life.

William Frank Diedrich  author of
Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion in people and organizations, at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Yelling

As I scan through the Facebook pages there is a lot of yelling going on. Some people are yelling at President Obama. Some are yelling at Mitt Romney. Some are yelling at each other. Lots of blaming. Lots of simplistic solutions to complex issues. And just like in Washington D.C. -- painful inertia!

I skip political ads on TV. I have yet to see one that is completely truthful. I read some of the postings on Facebook, but after a short while, I find myself being grateful for that stupid picture of a kitten, or a silly  captioned picture of a dog.

Maybe it's just me. I need to laugh more! Not take myself so seriously. Hey Facebook friends -- send us jokes -- but not political ones! Jokes that are beyond blaming and just funny. And no yelling!

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming found at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Also available in ebook at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook for $ 8.99.
Type in "Beyond Blaming"

You, the Miracle

Everyone has pain. Blaming others for it delays our own growth. As long as it's someone else's fault we stay stuck in the victim mode. Look at yourself more closely. You aren't a victim. You have lived successfully to this point. You have overcome obstacles. You are a miracle. Would you rather live as a victim, eternally injured and unable to be accountable for your life? Or, would you rather live as a miracle, eternally open to new experiences and adventures? Is this a diffciult choice? William Frank Diedrich,  author of Beyond Blaming found at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html Also in ebook at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Follow Pain Inward

Much of our blaming comes from a lack of self-acceptance. We feel badly and we see others as having caused it. The cause is always in our own minds. Other people, especially those who treat us poorly, are our teachers.

Instead of becoming self righteously insulted, we can look within ourselves. "Why does this person's actions bring about so much anger or pain in me? What am I telling myself?

We allow others to mistreat us when we don't value ourselves. If we valued ourselves it would be completely natural to establish healthy boundaries, and to tell someone "No." or "Stop." It could become natural to be un-offended at bad behavior and see the person behind the behavior. We might ask: "Are you okay? You seem so not yourself today."

Someone's misbehavior seems to create pain in you. You follow your pain inward to its source -- your negative beliefs about yourself. You learn how your beliefs have caused you pain. You say "Thank you" to your teacher. Without that pain, you would not have had the opportunity to heal the belief.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Beyond Blaming  at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Ebook available at both Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook
Type in "Beyond Blaming"

The hero's journey

Last week I talked about self-reflection. Self-reflection begins your journey which is the hero's journey. There are dragons to fight and obstacles to cross, and none of them are outside of you.

What do you fear? Sit down with it and face it. Feel it. Observe yourself thinking it and feeling it. It's not who you are. Disease, financial loss, job loss, relationship pain -- all of these can bring out fear in us. This is not the time to blame someone else. This is not the time to blame yourself.

It is the time to face it. As you feel it and observe it, it will begin to lose its power over you. Call forth your spiritual resources and face it together.

Once you come to a place of calm ask yourself: "What do I want to come of this?"  Your fears are the  dragons you must slay and  they stand between you and your treasure. Your treasure is becoming the complete being you were meant to become.

William Frank Diedrich author of
Beyond Blaming
found at  http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

The benefits of moving beyond blaming

Margaret, fresh out of engineering school, became a supervisor in an auto plant. Most of her direct reports were old enough to be her parents. She was smart enough to know that she needed their expertise. She made it clear that they knew more than her and that she appreciated their input. One employee was a recluse who refused to interact with anyone, including her. He did his job, and everyone left him alone. 

If we feel rejected by someone, it's easy to resort to blaming and avoidance. Margaret didn’t do either. 

She began by saying “Good morning.” to him each day. For several weeks he ignored her, but she persisted, refusing to take it personally.  He eventually began to say “Good morning.” to her.  

After a few months she was able to ask him questions and get a response. After about six months they were talking daily and she found that he was a wealth of knowledge. 

Eventually she involved him in problem solving discussions with other employees. She consulted with him and with others consistently before making decisions.  Her maturity allowed her to persist in the face of rejection, and to build a mutually rewarding relationship. The outcome was a department where people functioned as adults working as a team.

Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich at http://noblaming.com
Available in ebook at both Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Real Self-Reflection

Her name was Shelley (not her real name). She had a rough year. She was a supervisor and she hated her boss. She couldn't talk to him and didn't want to be around him.  She felt he didn't listen to her or support  her. It was tense between them. We talked and she agreed she needed to own her behavior.

A year before her boss had yelled at her at a meeting in front of her peers. He had misunderstood her, and when she tried to help him understand, he yelled at her again. That's when it started. I verified the story and found it was just as she told me.

His name was Jack (not his real name). I'd seen this kind of thing before. I knew he probably didn't remember yelling at Shelley. Sometimes when bosses yell at employees, they forget about it by the next day. The employee remembers it forever. I told him about it and he understood. He asked me if he should apologize. I said the important thing was making sure he listened to her now and gave his support -- treated her with respect. He began to see her differently. He wanted to make things right.   He had thought that things would change if only she would change. Now he knew that it was he who needed to change.

He talked to her and listened. She responded  positively. Within a few days they established rapport and a good working relationship. They both stopped blaming and started listening to each other.

Real self-refection means you step outside of yourself and see how you affect others. You look at the person you are really being, not just the one you think you are being. As for Jack and Shelley, this is how adults work things out.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming , available in paperback at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Available in e-book on Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Self-reflection

His name was Jarrod. (Not his real name) He was intelligent, successful, and a good salesman. He shared a support staff with three other professionals. He sold events and often the information the support staff needed from him was late or missing. Yet he expected them to run perfect events. He blamed and criticized them. Some were intimidated by him. It was his job to be at the events he sold, but often he had more important things to do. The staff was left to run things, and he would criticize their efforts.

Over a period of a few years stress and pain increased in the office. Finally his manager confronted him and told him that if there was no improvement in 90 days, he would then be put on a 90 day improvement plan. The situation became worse. He was put on a 90 day improvement plan. I was hired as his coach. We formed a good rapport. I could find no outside forces-- family, spouse, illness that were causing him to behave as he did. He blamed and complained because he felt he was right.

Although we talked extensively about the impact of his way of being and behavior on the staff, he would consistently respond with: "But what about them?" I worked with "them" too, helping them to be more effective with him. He was unable or unwilling to self-reflect. It was always their fault, even when the facts demonstrated a different story. He chose being right over keeping his job. Jarrod lost his job and his manager kindly offered him leads for a new job. 

Self-reflection is necessary to move beyond blaming and function as an adult. If we don't look at ourselves in the mirror, we don't learn or grow. Honest feedback is needed or we may never understand and correct our errors.  I couldn't help Jarrod but I helped the manager and his staff to move on. There are times when a person improves an organization by leaving it. 

William Frank Diedrich,  Beyond Blaming,  found at http://noblaming.com

Accountability or Blame?

Accountability is what is missing today. Blame takes its place. Accountability is at the beginning. You clarify the goal and make a commitment to produce a result. Blaming comes after the fact. Maybe the goal was clear; maybe it wasn't. Blame usually rewrites history. It is a way of organizing facts along with some fiction to create a story that makes someone wrong. 

Blame is great sport and is very effective at creating fear in others. We blame our political leaders, but we don't hold them accountable. Political parties blame each other but they don't hold each other accountable. 

Accountability is based on clarity, commitment, and cooperation. It is unconditional. If you succeed, acknowledge those who helped you. If you fail, own it. Look at it closely and learn from it. 

If you set a goal to lose 30 pounds, you are accountable. If you don't lose the weight, there is no one to blame. Understand why you didn't lose it. You preferred comfort food over losing weight. You chose not to exercise. What can you learn? Perhaps losing weight is not that important  -- not as important as eating comfort food and sleeping in. If that is true, then don't set the goal. Wait until it is important and you really can commit. Why torture yourself with guilt and blame?

We promise too easily. Commit and be accountable. Look at your goals and ask yourself if you are accountable. Your marriage; your work; your health; your spiritual path; your financial well-being -- are you doing what needs to be done to succeed? The point here is not whether you succeed -- it is whether or not you are accountable. Succeed or fail, there is everything to learn and no one to blame.

William Frank Diedrich is the author of Beyond Blaming and the upcoming Adults at Work.
http://noblaming.com

The new accountability

The new accountability is the way adults function in an organization.  You are accountable when you sign up. Accountability is a commitment to see something through.  Once you are committed there are no excuses and no blaming. You are either committed or you aren't -- accountable or not. You either succeed or fail. If you fail, you learn from it. Determine what you will do differently.

If you set a goal -- to start business, lose weight, build a relationship, etc.  you are accountable. If you run a department at a company, you are accountable for that department's performance. If you are a parent raising children, you are accountable for the well-being of your children.  

In traditional organizations, accountability meant blame. Instead of being established at the beginning, it was placed at the end. Something goes wrong. Something fails. We looked to see whose fault it was. The only learning that took place was in how to defend yourself, or cover mistakes, or blame someone else.

In the new accountability you own it. Sometimes you share that ownership with others. For example, a teacher is accountable for her class, but she shares accountability for the whole school with her colleagues. Accountability is what is missing today in government and in many organizations. You and I can begin to change that simply by being accountable ourselves. No excuses. No blaming. Accountable! 

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming. 

http://noblaming.com

Ebook at Amazon.com  at  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008S2A6TW

The Eagerness to Blame: Obama and Cathy

The eagerness to blame is in all of us. The key is to become aware  and not to allow ourselves to be sucked into the vortex of emotion and finger pointing. Liberals and conservatives alike are eager to blame.

President Obama's now famous "You didn't build that .."   statement was taken out of context and used against him. Those of you on Facebook who used this skewed quote to promote your view seemed  more than delighted in his perceived mistake. Had you read the whole speech you would have seen how it was twisted and used against him. It's actually true that no one in this country does it alone when they become financially successful.  The freedom to be a capitalist is supported by roads and bridges, police and fire, teachers, military, and many more people and things we all take for granted. The president was simply saying that those who have made it financially need to pay it forward for the next person who wants to succeed. This was an opportunity exploited by the "Right" to cast Mr. Obama as a socialist. It serves only to divide our country further.

Dan Cathy's now famous quote about backing the "Biblical definition of marriage" was also skewed. He was asked, in an interview with a Baptist magazine how he felt about gay marriage. He said nothing hateful. Again many people on Facebook eagerly jumped into the drama telling people to stop eating Chick Fil-a. In 2008 President Obama was asked how he defined marriage. He said it was between a man and a woman. Right or wrong, that's how many people believe. Mr. Cathy is not going around giving anti-gay speeches nor does there seem to be evidence his business denies employment or service to anyone. He simply stated his belief when asked. It was an opportunity for the "Left" to blame the "Right" and it was exploited.  The last I checked, we still have freedom of speech. Do we all have to be politically correct?  If you are for gay marriage, blaming and condemning those who are against it isn't effective. Chick Fil-a has experienced a huge increase in business this week. 

Some of you may think that Liberalism in religion, culture and politics is the problem. Some of you may think that Conservatism in religion, culture and politics is the problem.  Blaming is the problem. The eagerness with which we attack each other is the problem. It's a problem, because our blaming prevents us from listening, from working together, and from solving real problems. Your opinion is not the answer to the problem. Being right is not an attainable goal. Dialogue and skillful discussion are needed. 

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming

now available on Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008S2A6TW

or in paperback at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

You are a light!

Each day you step into your life you bring something. You bring joy and wisdom, or you bring blaming and complaining. Whatever it is that you bring, you influence others. Who you are being is what you are giving. Which way does your influence go? 

Whatever your thoughts and emotions may be, that is your influence. Whatever assumptions you make, that is your influence. You are leading  other people toward wherever you are going. You are responsible for the impact you have on the world. 

You are a light!  Every affirming thought that you offer to others by way of your encouragement and your example, helps to lght the way for others. This includes your speech, your writing (whether you write emails, books, articles or postings on facebook), your expressions of art or music, and the way you carry yourself. All that you do either lifts up, or it depresses. It builds, or it destroys. You get to choose. 

You are a light. Let the rest of us see you today.

Beyond self righteous indignation

Self righteous indignation is a disease of the world. It has us yelling at each other, blaming, criticizing, complaining.  It runs rampant in today's politics. It is the justification for rudeness, lying, violence and even killing. Through blaming and self righteous indignation we become someone different then who we are.

We suspend our values. We abdicate responsibility for our behaviors.

Breathe and talk yourself off the ledge.  Ask: "Who am I being when I think and behave this way?"  If you are honest with yourself, it isn't pretty; or honest; or effective; and it doesn't really get you what you want.

The disease of self-righteous indignation has a cure. It begins with awareness. How does this attitude add to my well-being?  What effect does this have on others?  Who am I and what thoughts and behaviors truly reflect who I am?

You are responsible for your experience of the world. Respond powerfully by clarifying what you want and aligning your thoughts and behaviors with your goal. Be single minded.  Others may be self-righteous, but you need not catch the disease. You have choices and that makes you powerful.

William Frank Diedirch, author of Beyond Blaming,
http://noblaming.com

Your Effect

You affect everyone you meet.  There are people you may blame for their actions toward you, or lack of attention toward you.  What is your effect on them?

Do they feel safe around you?  Do they feel your strength, or do you come across as weak?  Do they feel a positive and affirming attitude from you, or are they the recipient of your blaming and complaining. If the latter, how does that make them feel?

It's easy to blame others for how we feel, yet completely miss the way we influence others to feel. Do you smile around others?  Do you tend to have a serious look?  Your look has an effect.

Are you being yourself around others. If not, then who are you being and what effect does that have on both you and others.  The world does not revolve around you. You are a center of influence, and your thoughts and behavior have a ripple effect.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming,
http://noblaming.com

5 to 1 makes you successful

I received a video today from Dan Mulhern about research that says successful marriages and successful teams in the workplace communicate five positive statements to each other for every one critical or blaming statement.  Researchers can predict the viability of marriages based on this alone.
(See link at end of article.)

We tend to be mostly critical in our communications and I believe it is because we are mostly critical in our heads. We criticize ourselves and we criticize others. What if we controlled our thinking so that we carried at least 5 times as many affirmative, positive, and praising thoughts in our minds for every one critical or blaming thought?

It really depends on what you notice doesn't it?  Look at yourself and what do you notice -- what's wrong with you or what's positive and valuable about you? Emotions are the body's response to thoughts. How do you feel? Think about what you are thinking about, and know why.

If you want to make relationships better, or work, or your own success -- focus your attention on strengths, accomplishments, and the vision that you are moving toward.  Build on what you have rather than criticizing what you don't. Focus on the strengths in another person, rather than their weaknesses.

I don't know about  you but I had a tough time yesterday and I needed this message. I spent too much time focusing on what wasn't working. My thoughts were critical and I felt angry/depressed/sad. I made a decision yesterday to be more disciplined in my thinking and to make my thoughts life affirming both toward myself and toward others. I feel good today! I moved beyond blaming.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming,
http://noblaming.com

Dan Mulhern's short video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q2tqSmmmiU&feature=youtu.be&utm_source=Are+You+Too+Critical%253F+Research+Says+-+Probably&utm_campaign=Which+Habit+Matters+Most+-+Covey&utm_medium=email

The Myth of "working it out"

Blaming someone from your past, parent, child, lover, husband, wife, is just another way of clinging to that person. It becomes partly how you define yourself. You then define yourself as a victim, as powerless, as somewhat self-righteous.

The myth is that you need to see a therapist to "work it out". A good therapist will help you become aware of what you are doing to yourself; see what you need to do;  and help you envision the possibilities that await you on the other side.

If working it out means reliving it and thinking about it repetitively and yelling and ...  then you are strengthening the hold your blame has on you. You are wallowing in your bullshit.

Make the decision to let it go. Decide to live. Decide what you really want and spend your energy moving toward it. When your blaming shows up in your mind, think about something else. Stop feeding it. Feed your dreams instead.

 William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming
http://noblaming.com

begin with you

What does it mean to move beyond blaming?
It means that you maintain care and respect for the other person, and yourself.
It means that you don't define others by their behaviors. People are not their behavior.
It doesn't mean that you are nice when someone behaves poorly. It doesn't mean that you ignore what has happened.

You move beyond blaming when you hold yourself accountable first. Begin with you. Have you made boundaries clear? Have done your part ? How have you contributed to what happened?

Whether you are complimenting someone, or offering corrective feedback, you remember that you are talking to a real person. That is, don't turn someone into an object. Be honest, yet be kind. To move beyond blaming is to move beyond being a victim. Don't be a victim. You have choices and that gives you power.

Beyond Blaming,  William Frank Diedrich
http://noblaming.com

Beyond Blaming-beyond guilt

To move beyond blaming is to move beyond guilt. Guilt is the source of blaming. When we blame others we project our guilt on them. When we blame ourselves we wallow in guilt.

Isn't there a better way? Is it necessary to carry guilt? It hurts. It gnaws at us. Does it serve us? If you feel bad enough, will it make someone else feel better?

Guilt is of the past. Blaming is about the past. What do you want now? Is guilt a part of that?

Guilt is a cruel master who feeds on your painful thoughts. Determine what you really want. When your guilty, blaming thoughts arise, stop. Think about what you want instead. Think about the person you want to be. Shift your thoughts toward your goal.

Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich

http://noblaming.com

Freedom

History is unkind to those who blame. The past tortures and haunts them. Thoughts and emotions from past pain take up space in the present moment. And for what purpose? What is gained?

Blaming comes from the idea that someone's loss is your gain. If others feel bad enough, you'll feel good. If others lose, you'll win. In reality, blaming is a lose-lose game. You only win by letting it go.

What do you win? You win your freedom. You win greater well-being. You win personal power and choice. When you are blameless, you are free.

Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich
http://noblaming.com

Magnet for success

Blaming is a focus on what you don't want.  This focus has you seeing problems but not solutions. It creates negative emotion and prevents you from seeing potential solutions and opportunities. A focus on blaming makes you a magnet for more suffering.

To move beyond blaming, focus on what you do want. Envision something new. A focus on what you do want has you seeing potential solutions and opportunities. It creates positive emotion. A focus on your vision along with action on your part makes you a magnet for success.


Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich
http://noblaming.com

Willingness and will to act

Today I met with two men who were able to set aside their blaming, take responsibility for their actions, and listen to each other. In the absence of blaming they were able to agree on what they needed to do to  move forward.

They accomplished this by careful listening and by talking to, rather than at, each other.  Their common goal was to resolve their issues and move ahead. They accomplished their goal.

The result was an easing of tensions, greater understanding between them, and re-establishment of communication. In the long term, their business will be better for it. The employees will see the difference, and their performance and morale will  increase.

When we blame and complain toward a situation, usually there really is something wrong that needs to be addressed. What we fail to see is that blaming and complaining are problems of themselves. Blaming and complaining are downward spirals that lead to dead ends. The negative effects create collateral damage to everyone in the group. When we move beyond blaming and complaining we solve one problem, and we are then free to solve another.

It begins with your willingness, and then your will to succeed. Both these men were willing and demonstrated strong wills. You can do the same.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming at
http://noblaming.com

Tell the Kind truth

Blaming is circular. You put it out there, and it comes back to you. Conflict involves collusion. When you are convinced someone is bad, evil, inconsiderate, selfish, etc., you need for that person to act in those ways. That way your blaming is justified. The conflict continues because you are in it together.

Blaming is a story you tell yourself. Who are you when you tell that story? What if you dropped the story? Who would you be then? Do you really need the story? Does it serve you?

Without our stories of blame we begin to see others differently. This is not to ignore poor behavior. Don't blame poor behavior; deal with it. You learn to deal with it effectively when you learn to stop being offended. Take nothing personally.

Tell the kind truth. There is no need for blaming or collusion. Tell the straight-forward, kind truth with the intent of being helpful. Listen and be empathetic, but there is no excuse for continued bad behavior.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming
at http://noblaming.com

Being an Adult

We all know that it's important to take responsibility and not to blame. This is called being an adult. Yet, so often, we forget. Emotions take over and we find ourselves caught up in the drama.

When I am in the drama, I want to be right, and I want others to know how wrong they are. Emotionally, I don't want to step back and be honest with myself. I don't want to challenge the story I am telling myself.

I have to make myself do it. I have to remind myself that the promise of "being right" is a false promise.  It is an unattainable goal in most cases. And if I see myself as the innocent person in a conflict, I have to remember that my story is a lie I tell myself.

It takes courage to self examine and a will strong enough to change the direction of your thoughts. The effort is worth it when you see the result. Moving beyond blaming makes your relationships better and you stronger. It diminishes stress and conflict in your life. It feels good to function as an adult.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming
http://noblaming.com

from blame to joy

Is your life somebody's fault? Or, is it your creation?  You were given both talents and constraints.
You were created with a purpose. What have you chosen to do with that?

As long as you are blaming other people, or blaming yourself, you are using your power to make yourself powerless. You are creating a game that you cannot win.

Refuse to blame and change the game. This is your life, not someone else's. You don't have to prove anything. Find out who you are and be that. Your life is a gift and everything that has occurred has contributed to your growth, to your beauty, and to your knowledge.

There comes a time when the life you have defined becomes too small for you. It's like too much clothing on a hot day. Throw off your unneeded clothing and let yourself breathe. Release your blaming and let yourself expand toward your joy. Your joy blesses the world.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming at
http://noblaming.com

Beyond Self-Blame

Self blame will not redeem you. Compassion will redeem. Self blame is a focus on the past. Focus on who you want to be now. Self blame becomes blaming toward others, because we project our guilt.  We must learn to quiet the critical voice in our minds and practice self acceptance.

Set your goals, but tell yourself that you are acceptable whether you achieve the goal or not. The achievement of a goal does not validate you, although the reinforcement is nice. Your achievement  reflects the self validation you already have.

For example, losing weight does not make you acceptable. If you tie weight loss to self esteem, you will have a much more difficult time. It is easier to lose weight if you are already acceptable.

From Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion in People and Organizations
http://noblaming.com

Beyond Blaming

If you feel hurt, you may find yourself immersed in the pain. You will want the person you blame to be immersed in the pain, also.

To be healthy and free, it is important to feel the pain. Experience it. Let it move through you. In this you know you are alive. Then let it go.

People carry pain and blaming for years, and for what purpose? If you do this, then what is your intention?  You may say, that's just how I feel. Or, I can't get past that.  In reality you carry the pain because you want to. There is a payoff in being the victim of another's words or actions.  It hurts, but it hurts so good! Is this what you really want?  To hurt indefinitely? To be someone's victim for all time?

Or do you prefer freedom?  No one makes you hurt except you. Choose to let it go. Be merciful to yourself. Aren't you worth it? Stop telling yourself the same story again and again. Move beyond blaming and take responsibility. Decide what is more important -- the stories of the past, or the possibilities of the present?

William Frank Diedrich,  Author of Beyond Blaming
http://noblaming.com

Be blameless

When you blame someone you hold them prisoner. You bind them to you in a way that causes pain. You set a goal that cannot be accomplished--that they would undo what they did; or that they would feel guilty for it; or that they would suffer in return.

The promise of blaming is that you can make someone feel bad enough to make you feel good. No matter how bad they feel, it's never enough.

You are the jailer and you hold the key. Release them -- parents, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, anyone who you believe has caused you harm.

Whenever you feel the constriction of anger and hurt, you condemn yourself along with the culprit. When you release them from blame, you release yourself. This does not mean you open yourself to more hurt. Set boundaries. Be clear about who you are. Take care of yourself.

It doesn't mean being nice. Be honest, yet kind. Be hard if you need to be, yet see the other as a real person. To release blame is simply to refuse to carry it with you. It is to choose freedom for yourself instead of bondage. It is the intention to live not as a victim, but as the powerful being you are meant to be.  To be blameless is to be free.


William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming
at http://noblaming.com

Solution focus

Whenever you are in situations where you find yourself blaming or complaining, stop.  Get clear on what you want. Focus your thinking on what you want to create, not on what you have already created. Take your focus off the problem and place it on the solution.

From:  Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion in People and Organizations, by William Frank Diedrich    http://noblaming.com

From Blaming to Confidence

Blame is an illusion. The world is your mirror, reflecting back to you your beliefs and assumptions about you in relation to other people, to work, to money, to life. You are responsible.

You choose your feelings by the thoughts you keep. You decide the role that you will play--victim, victor, peacemaker, leader, follower, rejected, rejector.

To blame is to project. To project is to abdicate responsibility for your own beliefs and assumptions. Own your world. Decide what you want you and your life to be like. Envision it and become it. Align your thinking and behavior with your vision.

Carry yourself with confidence into your vision. It doesn't matter what your critics say. It's your life.
Be who you are.

William Frank Diedrich,  Beyond Blaming, http://noblaming.com

Blaming and elections

So much blaming in this year's election process! Consider this: refuse to read, watch, or listen to any expressions of blame. No more critical commentary. Don't engage in it either. Focus only on what each candidate envisions, and what she or he will do. Make your reasons completely about voting for rather than against.

In a room of over 200 people yesterday we were asked: How many of you are happy with the political system today?  No one raised their hand. The system is broken. The game is rigged to lose. Don't play the game. When you engage in the flinging of negative verbage, you are playing the game.

Be a game changer. Focus on what you want. Ask candidates for their vision and how they plan to get there. Demand honesty, integrity, and a seeking for the highest good for all concerned.


William Frank Diedrich,  beyond Blaming,  http://noblaming.com

The Story

For everyone you blame you have a story. In that story you are a victim. Or, you are the self righteous hero.  The people you blame are not the reason you feel angry, hurt, guilty, self righteous, victimized. Your story provides the emotion.

Who would you be if you weren't telling yourself the story?

Free of the story, how much better would you feel? How much more joyful? Peaceful?  Confident?
Effective? Powerful?

Your life is a story and you are the story teller. What is your story?


William Frank Diedrich is the author of Beyond Blaming.

http://noblaming.com

No Blame

There is no blame. It's not about blame. It's about vision and leadership. It is about behaving in ways that align with the vision and our values. It is about stepping outside of our small world need to be right and to have our way. It is transcending our little ego who fights to defend its self image, its political or religious agendas, its belief system--- and recognizing our interdependence. We all affect each other.




William Frank Diedrich, Beyond Blaming,  http://noblaming.com

Center of Influence

Blaming comes from a center of attention mindset. The focus is on what others are doing to you or what you believe they should be doing for you.  In this frame, the universe revolves around you.

You are a center of influence. Everything you think, feel, say and do has a ripple effect. In every conflict you have had, it's not just about what you think the other person did. You had an impact.

When you recognize that you are a center of influence, you become more powerful and at the same time, more humble. You find that you actually can do something to heal the rifts in your relationships.

William Frank Diedrich, Author of Beyond Blaming at
http://noblaming.com

Responsibility

Responsibility is freedom and power. When you say "I am responsible" you acknowledge that you have choices and that you are committed to action. You may not know what you will do, but responsibility sets the stage from which you will act. You are able to respond.

Blaming is imprisonment and victimization.  When you blame you say that you do not have choices and that you are unable to act. You set the stage from which you can play "poor me" and hope that someone else can save you. You are unable to respond.

Each moment of each day we choose between responsibility of blaming, between being victor or victim, or between living and just waiting to die.

William Frank Diedrich is the author of Beyond Blaming  at http://noblaming.com

No Blaming and healthcare

In the healthcare debate one group is claiming victory. We won!  The other group can't wait for a new administration to come in and get rid of it.

No one has won as long as so many people are in conflict. What would be a no blaming approach?

When I step back I see that both sides have good points. I see that most people have not read it and are going by what they have heard. I see that, in many ways, this has turned into a pro or anti Obama thing, rather than a real debate about healthcare. It's not Obamacare. He did not create it by himself.

A no blaming approach would be to have a dialogue about what really needs to happen regarding healthcare in this country.  From the start, this has been a partisan ping pong ball that has been smacked back and forth. Take the politics out and ask the question: "What would be best for all concerned? How do we balance the needs of people who need care with those of care providers, insurance companies, and state and federal governments?

As long as we are playing the blaming game there will be conflict that no one really wins.


William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming
found at   http://noblaming.com

What works?

Blaming is not a solution; it is, itself, a problem. The mindset of "I'm right and you're wrong" doesn't work. What does work?  A vision that allows everyone opportunity to to express, grow, and prosper.

A society that offers freedom of expression cannot function effectively if one religion or one political agenda  dominates.  The need to be right must be replaced by the need to work effectively together. We need leaders who are less partisan and more pragmatic.

We need to listen to each other and understand, even if we can't fathom why someone would feel the way they do.


from Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich
http://noblaming.com

You are powerful!

You are a powerful being. You have choices. Think about a situation in your life that seems unsolvable. What would you like to see happen? What is your vision? Focus on the results you want, not the current issues that you don't want. A focus on blaming and being a victim weakens you and has you waiting for external factors to change.

Envision what you want and take at least two steps toward it today. Imagine success. Feel it.  Trust in your inner resources, your connection to Spirit, your many gifts and talents.

Blame and complaining will feed your fears.  Visioning and action will feed your dreams.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming found at
http://noblaming.com

A No Blaming Day

Practice awareness today.  Hourly, check in with how you feel.  Are you blaming? Are you complaining?

Blaming is resistance to what is.  Determine what you can control and what you can't. Focus on what you can control--your thinking and your behavior. How are you impacting the other person or the situation? What does the other person(s) need?   Can you help them meet their needs? What is your goal? What can you do that will help you move toward your goal? This is responsiveness.

A focus on blaming (resistance) has you feeling powerless, and sometimes aggressive toward others. A focus on being responsive to the people and situation provides you with choices. Stay aware. Turn blaming into positive action.
William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming.   http://noblaming.com

No Blaming / Possibility Thinking

Problems are always opportunities for greatness. They are the  doorways through which we must walk to find success. The choice to succeed is always ours. We can choose to be a victim, make others 

out to be enemies, and invest in the drama. The alternative is to choose to shake free of blaming and soar to the heights of possibility. 

Possibility thinking is the ability to see a positive potential in any situation. A possibility thinker moves beyond blaming into the realm of potential success by refusing to blame, refusing to be a victim, and 

claiming responsibility.  This is the choice you make each and every waking moment of  your day. With each thought you are either moving forward into greater possibilities, or you are disempowering yourself with blaming. 
Quoted from Beyond Blaming found at  http://noblaming.com

No blaming birthday

Today is my birthday and I celebrate 63 years on the planet. In these many years I am blessed and grateful. My father passed away at age 62. I don't think either of my grandfathers made it past this age either. The rest of my life is a gift.

There have been many challenges in my life. None of them are the fault of someone or something. I create my experience. It's up to me to respond as effectively as I am able to anything that comes up. It is no one's job to make me happy except mine. I own my emotions. I own my memories. I own my behavior. I affect others, and I need to always become aware of my impact. The Universe is my playground, my theatre, and I get to play in it. Or work. I have choices and that gives me power.

I will teach who I am. My thoughts, emotions, words, and behaviors are the examples I put forth to the world. If you who are reading this are in my life, then I have made a good choice. Blessings to all.
Bill

Conversation

In a real conversation, there is no blaming.  The goal of conversation is mutual understanding. I 

listen to you. You listen to me. We may or may not agree, but we do 

understand each other. In conversation we are conscious of the needs 

and concerns of the other person.

from Beyond Blaming 

found at

http://noblaming.com

Success

Focus your passion on your goal, your vision. Focus your thoughts on what you can do.  You may think that goal attainment will make you feel better.  Actually, feeling better will help you accomplish your goals.

The attainment of a goal is not what makes you successful. Success is a gift you give to yourself.  You tell yourself that whether you meet the goal or not, you are okay.  You are whole. You give yourself unconditional positive regard.  This is the mindset of your success. Your well-being is not attached to outcomes.

Adapted from the book, Beyond Blaming, found at
http://noblaming.com

non-attachment

We are more likely to find success when we let go of 

our need to control the results. As we focus on managing our thoughts 

rather than the behavior of others, we become more powerful.


From the book:  Beyond Blaming, found at http://noblaming.com

Sitting On Your But

"I'd like to be honest, but she won't listen."  "I'd like to work well with that guy, but he's a jerk." But is the great negator.
Anger and frustration with other people are signs that I am not taking full responsibility. I am sitting on my but. I am blaming them for my inability to move forward. As long as I am sitting on my but, I have only two options:

1.  Continue to struggle and make little of no progress.
2. Use force to get what I want. Force always creates counter force.

Isn't it time that those of us who call ourselves leaders get off our but's and started leading?

from Beyond Blaming.  http://noblaming.com

Influence

Influence with people is increased when we see ourselves as connected to others. We cannot influence from a place of disconnection. Blaming is disconnection. Being responsive to others is connection.
From Beyond Blaming. Available at http://noblaming.com .

Real Power

Self righteous anger makes us feel powerful but does little to solve problems or help us succeed. Real power comes not from blaming what is, but from envisioning what can be.
Quoted from Beyond Blaming.  Available at  http://noblaming.com

From Blaming to Positive Emotion

Repetitive blaming becomes hard-wired into our brains 

and the very cells of our bodies. We become addicted to the emotions 

of blaming. We can overcome our addiction with our intention and 

willingness to let it go. You are not your emotions. You experience 

emotions. As the observer of your thoughts and emotions, you are 

capable of releasing them and creating positive emotion instead.

What if there no blaming in the election?

What if, during this presidential election year, there was no blaming? What if each candidate put forth his vision and the means by which he intended to accomplish it? What if each candidate demonstrated his record of achievements. They only blame each each other because we listen. What if you refused to be influenced by the blaming and focused on clearly identifying ehat each has to offer? What if you respectfully declined to blame your least favorite candidate and spoke for your most favorite one? The current system is an adversarial one that we support everytime we join in the the negativity. What is best for this country? Who is most qualified to lead in your opinion? Who is more of a statesman and less partisan? You can influence the system by refusing to blame and by expecting your candidate to do what is best for the country.

There is no blame.

What if no one is to blame. What are you accountable for? Can you make adjustments to change it? What are others accountable for? Can you help them take ownership and make changes?

When there is no blame, things get done. Positive change happens.

Directness

One of the biggest issues I see in organizations is the unwillingness of people to be direct with each other. We are afraid of the reaction we might get. It's easier to complain to someone else.

What if you spoke to the other person as if they were a human being just like you? Tell the kind truth and then be willing to listen. It is a risk. The pain of holding it in and complaining to others is often worse. Besides, your kind honesty might help someone.

No Blaming: healing begins

Blaming is always a self inflicted wound. When you blame you make yourself a victim and being a victim hurts.  What if you owned the situation? What if you gave up your blaming story and said: "This is mine. I'm going to decide what I want and find a way to move forward." It's no longer about someone else. Now the healing begins.