Her name was Shelley (not her real name). She had a rough year. She was a supervisor and she hated her boss. She couldn't talk to him and didn't want to be around him. She felt he didn't listen to her or support her. It was tense between them. We talked and she agreed she needed to own her behavior.
A year before her boss had yelled at her at a meeting in front of her peers. He had misunderstood her, and when she tried to help him understand, he yelled at her again. That's when it started. I verified the story and found it was just as she told me.
His name was Jack (not his real name). I'd seen this kind of thing before. I knew he probably didn't remember yelling at Shelley. Sometimes when bosses yell at employees, they forget about it by the next day. The employee remembers it forever. I told him about it and he understood. He asked me if he should apologize. I said the important thing was making sure he listened to her now and gave his support -- treated her with respect. He began to see her differently. He wanted to make things right. He had thought that things would change if only she would change. Now he knew that it was he who needed to change.
He talked to her and listened. She responded positively. Within a few days they established rapport and a good working relationship. They both stopped blaming and started listening to each other.
Real self-refection means you step outside of yourself and see how you affect others. You look at the person you are really being, not just the one you think you are being. As for Jack and Shelley, this is how adults work things out.
William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming , available in paperback at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Available in e-book on Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.
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