Kick Your But's

The conjunction "but" in most cases deletes the first part of the sentence. For example:  "I would like to work with him, but he's a jerk."  "He's a jerk." is the real message along with the assertion that it is his fault you can't work with him. This form of blaming is common. The downside is that it puts all of the responsibility on the other person and presents you as a victim. Certainly some people offer a challenge to us.

The answer is to kick your "but."  The question needs to be asked: "What do I want? Do I want to work with him? Do I need to work with him?"  If the answer is "Yes." to any of those questions, then we can ask "How?"  How can I become a more positive influence?  How can I effectively engage with this person? What steps might I take?  When we ask these questions we kick our 'but's" and become more effective, more powerful.

For more on this, see my video of the same title at http://noblaming.com/Workshops.html
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What is important?

In politics, is it more important to be right, or to find a common ground?
In religion, is it more important to convince others of your beliefs, or to live your beliefs?
In relationships, is it more important to point out others' flaws, or to appreciate their strengths?
In your mind, is it more important to hold on to hurts and guilt, or to let it all go and be free?
Do you spend most of your thoughts blaming, or blessing? And which is most helpful?

William Frank Diedrich, author of
The Road Home, Beyond Blaming, and Adults at Work.
http://noblaming.com

An Unfolding Work of Art

When you blame someone, you give them your power. Actually, you give power to an image you have of them. This makes you temporarily powerless.

Take back your power. Change the story that you are telling yourself, and know that you are the creator of your experience. Know that when you blame, you can do better than that.

You are an unfolding work of art, a song sung by God (or whatever you call the creative intelligence), and blaming prevents your beautiful expression.

Learn from pain, take responsibility, and move on.  The world is waiting.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming and The Road Home.
http://noblaming.com

The 100%

I don't believe in the 99%, or the 1%.  These are numbers people have come up with to advance their agendas. The result is that we are separated. We see the world in terms of who's good and who's bad. We blame.

A one-sided view does not create solutions beneficial to the whole. For example, some people are screaming for an large increase in the minimum wage. Yes, people should be paid a living wage. However, you cannot ignore the effects of such an increase on hundreds of thousands of businesses that are not owned by the so-called 1 %. You cannot ignore market forces that determine what a company can charge for their products. Unless a company makes a profit, it cannot remain in business.  Wages are an investment and there needs to be a return on investment.

On the flip-side, the every-person-for-themselves view toward earning a living doesn't work either. No one makes it completely on their own. We all need help. The question is: "What is help?" There needs to be a balance between helping and the expectation that people take an initiative.

The more we demonize conservatives or liberals, the 99% or the 1%--the more we create separation and conflict. The question is not "who is guilty?" The question is how can we help? How can we help people who are down find their way up? How can we help people who have a lot understand that to whom much is given, much is required?

I have worked with "poor" people and with "rich" people in my career. The biggest issue I had with "poor" people was finding individuals who were motivated to make a change. It was frustrating. The biggest issue with "rich" people was them not seeing (and sometimes not caring)  how their decisions impacted others. Yet, in both situations, I met caring people who wanted to do the right thing.

I am not interested in anyone's article or posting on the 1% or the 99% because these do nothing to solve the issues--they only create more conflict. Self-righteous indignation is self-deception. We are all human, and we are in this life together. We are not defined by how much money we have, but by our ability to self-reflect and to take full responsibility for our emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and the results that we produce. Everything we say or do helps, or hurts.  You and I are part of the 100%.
Let's stop taking sides, stop judging,  and start listening and exploring alternatives that benefit both the short and long-term well-being for everyone.
William Frank Diedrich, author of
Beyond Blaming
http://noblaming.com

People are important

Yesterday I went to Monticello's Market. Thirty feet into the store and already four people had welcomed me with a smile. The service was great!  Today I had my oil changed at Thrifty Lube. Four people were working there and they treated me as if I were the most important person in the world.

What I noticed in both situations was that the people in these workplaces felt very important as they were treating me with such respect. Their self-respect was reinforced by giving respect.

It is the norm in our world to blame, criticize and ridicule people who see things differently than we do. The criticism makes us feel a little bit superior--but it does not add value to ourselves or to others.
It diminishes both.

Attribute importance to others whether you agree with them or not. By offering value to others you help to lift them, and yourself, up. You receive what you give.

Books by William Frank Diedrich at http://noblaming.com
The Road Home,
Beyond Blaming,
Adults at Work.

"One of the main reasons my wife and I got back together, was reading Beyond Blaming." Michael C.

"I gave my husband Beyond Blaming to read and our marriage changed for the better over the weekend. Thank you." Christine L.,

The fatal paradigm

The Fatal Paradigm is the idea that something outside of you will make you happy.

we are usually disappointed when either we don't acquire what we want, or we do acquire it and we're not happy.

True happiness is created from within for no external reason.  You are happy because you love yourself. You are happy because you are living your passion/purpose. You are happy because you love life. You are happy because you love God, however you conceive He/She/It.

Real happiness is attractive. Example: A relationship with a wonderful man or woman will not make you happy, but if you can generate your own happiness, you'll find a man or woman who is also happy--and you can share and enhance your mutual happiness.

Be happy. All that you need to be happy is inside of you.

http://noblaming.com

Happy

Everyone wants to be happy.

So, help them to be happy.

Give a smile, a word of empathy or cheer, a little bit of your attention, do a favor.

Contribute to the happiness of others.

What if we all stopped blaming and focused instead on contributing to each others' happiness?

http://noblaming.com

Being Responsible

An older couple were traveling and stopped at a restaurant along the way. When they had eaten, they resumed their travel. A little while later the woman said: "I left my glasses at the restaurant. We have to go back!"

Her husband grumbled and turned around at the next exit. Then he lectured her on being more responsible and taking care of her things, and how this cost them extra time, and again, being more responsible.

All the way back to the restaurant he reprimanded her.

They finally pulled onto the parking lot. As she was getting ready to leave the car he said:
"Oh, by the way, while you're in there, you may as well get my hat!"

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Beyond Blaming.  http://noblaming.com

A Successful Life

Is your life successful?
If not, why not?
If so, why do you think so?


William Frank Diedrich is the author of Adults at Work: How Individuals and Organizations Can Grow Up  found at http://adults-at-work.com

Reclaiming your power

Here is why I say blaming is a distraction:
If you feel angry or stressed, or hurt, or anxious, you may blame someone or something. What is accomplished? Does it make the feelings go away? It often makes them worse. It distracts you from doing your work--from growing up.

Try this instead:

Dive into  the feeling and experience it. Just sit with it, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
Welcome it. Tell your fears: "Bring it!"

When you hit the peak of discomfort, tell yourself the truth:
"I created this experience." "This is my illusion." "It's not real."

Next reclaim your power, because you have given your power to someone or something, and now you need to reclaim it. Reclaim it and feel it.  "I am reclaiming my power now!" "I'm taking it back."

If you are spiritual this is the time to call forth your Higher Power/ Higher Self  and ask IT (He, She) to use you for a greater purpose in this situation.
Ask and it is given. Go forth in confidence and faith.

Beneath every fear, and every hurt, and every pocket of anger lies great power.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Adults at Work
http://adults-at-work.com

Mistakes

We all make mistakes. It is inevitable. The only people who don't make mistakes are those who aren't doing anything.

The key to valuable mistake-making is not to invalidate yourself when you make the mistake.  In other words, don't beat yourself up. Don't make the mistake "evidence" for your badness or unworthiness.

Learn from each mistake. That is what mistakes are for. The biggest mistake is self-condemnation for your mistakes.

Simply say this: "I made a mistake. This mistake is not who I am. Are there apologies or reparations to be made? What am I learning from this?"

Next take action to move onward.

William Frank Diedrich, Author of
Beyond Blaming.
http://noblaming.com

Happy

Are you happy?  Does your happiness depend on which things you have and whether or not certain people love you the way you want to be loved?

We blame people and situations for our unhappiness. If only this would happen, then I'd be happy. If it weren't for that person in my life, I'd be happy.

Happiness is a decision. Whatever happens today, I will respond in a way that leads to happiness. I can't wait one more day for happiness--I'm allowing it now!

How long will you wait? To be happy? To live?  Happiness doesn't need a reason. It is enough that you intend it.

Be you. Be happy.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Adults at Work, and Beyond Blaming.
http://noblaming.com

Beyond Guilt

It is important to move beyond guilt.

Do something because you want, or because it is the right thing based on your intuition/wisdom--not because of guilt. Guilt will taint your action. Acting from guilt leads to resentment.

Guilt is a form of manipulation we use on each other and on ourselves.
The result is usually destructive.

Guilt is self-blaming, and it is a desire for punishment. If guilt is your constant companion, have you punished yourself enough?

Let it go, and live. You cannot feel guilty enough to make someone else feel better.

If you must redeem yourself, take action from a place of love and strength, and then move on.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Beyond Blaming and Adults at Work.
http://noblaming.com

Control

The myth of self-improvement is that if you think positive enough you can control your life. Just as a white water rafter cannot control the river, you cannot control life.

The rafter becomes skilled as a navigator and learns how best to respond to the river in whatever state s/he finds it.  Each rapids and each wave present opportunities for joy and accomplishment. Even the best get thrown out of the raft on occasion. S/He doesn't blame the river. S/He points his/her feet downstream, going with the flow, and then gets back in the raft.

Through personal responsibility and managing your thinking, you become a skilled navigator and responsive to whatever happens. Events that occur are defined by your perception of them. Your ability to go with the flow,  rather than resist it--rather than blame Life-- determines your experience.

Listen to your Inner Guidance and work to develop the faith that all is happening for your good. The Universe is your playground. Control the only thing that you can--your view of yourself and of life.

William Frank Diedrich,
author of Beyond Blaming and Adults at Work
http://noblaming.com