Out of the Mess

As we see this year, politics are messy. There is lots of blaming and misleading on both sides. So many people get emotional about their opinions.

I've learned not to believe everything I think. I know that just because something is my opinion, doesn't mean it is right. This is difficult, because spouting off is not as much fun for me as it used to be.

In truth, none of us know the future. None of us know who should be the president. Instead of blaming and yelling at each other, it might be better to listen and ask questions. That's hard, for me, too. I'm doing my best to stay conscious and not automatically jump into the mess.

For those of you who think you are absolutely right, you're not. For those of you who leave a little room for doubt, thank you.

Think for yourself. Don't believe every statement made by those who agree with you. Think and observe. Vote with your mind and heart for the best candidates. Pray that the highest good will come no matter who is elected. Whoever is elected will be the right person!

William Frank Diedrich,
author of Beyond Blaming
found at  http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Two weeks and Bill's new book,  Adults at Work  will be out.   Watch for it!

Influence/connection

You cannot influence from a place of disconnection. Blaming, criticism, and negativity toward another, disconnects you.

Power is increased when you come from a place of appreciation for others. You appreciate who they are and the gifts they have to offer. You believe in their ability to succeed.

You can still offer constructive feedback as needed, but your underlying intention is one of appreciation and helping the other to grow and succeed. You are not better than, because you see an error. You are one human helping another, knowing that at any given moment, it may be you who needs the help.


William Frank Diedrich

Beyond Blaming, found at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Also available in e-book at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Context

People do not get angry at facts so much as they get angry at the meaning they attach to the facts. If my gas gauge is on empty, it is unlikely that I will be angry at my gas gauge. I need to face facts and act. Anger and blaming are often symptoms that we are resisting reality, not accepting it.

Quote from Beyond Blaming, available at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Also available in e-book at Amazon Kindle and at Barnes and Noble Nook

Found at the Goodreads website:
Beyond Blaming. "This is not a book I would have picked up without it coming highly recommended by someone I respect. Even after the first chapter I knew I had something unique in my hands. Great insight, causes you to reflect & change. Very glad I read it."  JJ
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/139480056

Beyond self blame

Much of our blaming is self-directed. Self blaming offers us guilt, shame, and pain. It is not the same as holding yourself accountable.

You, in your guilty state, are of no good to others. Your guilt makes you small when they need you to be big, to lead, to shine.

The past was the past. Let it go. Learn from it. Face your deepest, darkest fears and learn. These fears will dissolve, being the illusions they are. Don't define yourself by your "sins". Don't define yourself by  the criticism and negative opinions of others. Use the thoughts that help you to be more effective, and let go of the rest. Learn and grow. Reflect honestly, and move on.

Step back from your thoughts of self blaming, and look at them. They are only thoughts. See them as separate from you. Make decisions about who you are going to be. No one can decide this for you. You are accountable. Spend more time noticing what gifts you have to offer. Focus and build on your strengths. Wherever you are telling yourself "I can't do that, because ..." wonder instead, "What if I could do that? How could I do that?"

True greatness is humble. You recognize your greatness, yet you know that you have to deal with the same insecurities and fears everyone else does. Move beyond self-blaming. Be you. Be great!

Accountability

Accountability requires feedback.
Accountability is not blaming and feedback is not attacking.

We all need feedback in order to understand the effects of our decisions and behaviors. Feedback is not a game -- there are no winners or losers. It is information. Listen. Apply it where you can.

You can blame and complain about someone, or you can ask them for what you want.
If they don't provide what you want, you can blame and complain -- or allow them the right to say "no." Get your needs met another way.

Accountability is about learning. I make a mistake, and learn from it. Blaming is about condemnation. It provokes defense and attack. It's goal is to produce guilt.  Accountability is about growth.

You are unconditionally accountable for your life.

William Frank Diedrich  author of
Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion in people and organizations, at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Yelling

As I scan through the Facebook pages there is a lot of yelling going on. Some people are yelling at President Obama. Some are yelling at Mitt Romney. Some are yelling at each other. Lots of blaming. Lots of simplistic solutions to complex issues. And just like in Washington D.C. -- painful inertia!

I skip political ads on TV. I have yet to see one that is completely truthful. I read some of the postings on Facebook, but after a short while, I find myself being grateful for that stupid picture of a kitten, or a silly  captioned picture of a dog.

Maybe it's just me. I need to laugh more! Not take myself so seriously. Hey Facebook friends -- send us jokes -- but not political ones! Jokes that are beyond blaming and just funny. And no yelling!

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming found at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Also available in ebook at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook for $ 8.99.
Type in "Beyond Blaming"

You, the Miracle

Everyone has pain. Blaming others for it delays our own growth. As long as it's someone else's fault we stay stuck in the victim mode. Look at yourself more closely. You aren't a victim. You have lived successfully to this point. You have overcome obstacles. You are a miracle. Would you rather live as a victim, eternally injured and unable to be accountable for your life? Or, would you rather live as a miracle, eternally open to new experiences and adventures? Is this a diffciult choice? William Frank Diedrich,  author of Beyond Blaming found at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html Also in ebook at Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Follow Pain Inward

Much of our blaming comes from a lack of self-acceptance. We feel badly and we see others as having caused it. The cause is always in our own minds. Other people, especially those who treat us poorly, are our teachers.

Instead of becoming self righteously insulted, we can look within ourselves. "Why does this person's actions bring about so much anger or pain in me? What am I telling myself?

We allow others to mistreat us when we don't value ourselves. If we valued ourselves it would be completely natural to establish healthy boundaries, and to tell someone "No." or "Stop." It could become natural to be un-offended at bad behavior and see the person behind the behavior. We might ask: "Are you okay? You seem so not yourself today."

Someone's misbehavior seems to create pain in you. You follow your pain inward to its source -- your negative beliefs about yourself. You learn how your beliefs have caused you pain. You say "Thank you" to your teacher. Without that pain, you would not have had the opportunity to heal the belief.

William Frank Diedrich, author of
Beyond Blaming  at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

Ebook available at both Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook
Type in "Beyond Blaming"

The hero's journey

Last week I talked about self-reflection. Self-reflection begins your journey which is the hero's journey. There are dragons to fight and obstacles to cross, and none of them are outside of you.

What do you fear? Sit down with it and face it. Feel it. Observe yourself thinking it and feeling it. It's not who you are. Disease, financial loss, job loss, relationship pain -- all of these can bring out fear in us. This is not the time to blame someone else. This is not the time to blame yourself.

It is the time to face it. As you feel it and observe it, it will begin to lose its power over you. Call forth your spiritual resources and face it together.

Once you come to a place of calm ask yourself: "What do I want to come of this?"  Your fears are the  dragons you must slay and  they stand between you and your treasure. Your treasure is becoming the complete being you were meant to become.

William Frank Diedrich author of
Beyond Blaming
found at  http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

The benefits of moving beyond blaming

Margaret, fresh out of engineering school, became a supervisor in an auto plant. Most of her direct reports were old enough to be her parents. She was smart enough to know that she needed their expertise. She made it clear that they knew more than her and that she appreciated their input. One employee was a recluse who refused to interact with anyone, including her. He did his job, and everyone left him alone. 

If we feel rejected by someone, it's easy to resort to blaming and avoidance. Margaret didn’t do either. 

She began by saying “Good morning.” to him each day. For several weeks he ignored her, but she persisted, refusing to take it personally.  He eventually began to say “Good morning.” to her.  

After a few months she was able to ask him questions and get a response. After about six months they were talking daily and she found that he was a wealth of knowledge. 

Eventually she involved him in problem solving discussions with other employees. She consulted with him and with others consistently before making decisions.  Her maturity allowed her to persist in the face of rejection, and to build a mutually rewarding relationship. The outcome was a department where people functioned as adults working as a team.

Beyond Blaming, by William Frank Diedrich at http://noblaming.com
Available in ebook at both Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Real Self-Reflection

Her name was Shelley (not her real name). She had a rough year. She was a supervisor and she hated her boss. She couldn't talk to him and didn't want to be around him.  She felt he didn't listen to her or support  her. It was tense between them. We talked and she agreed she needed to own her behavior.

A year before her boss had yelled at her at a meeting in front of her peers. He had misunderstood her, and when she tried to help him understand, he yelled at her again. That's when it started. I verified the story and found it was just as she told me.

His name was Jack (not his real name). I'd seen this kind of thing before. I knew he probably didn't remember yelling at Shelley. Sometimes when bosses yell at employees, they forget about it by the next day. The employee remembers it forever. I told him about it and he understood. He asked me if he should apologize. I said the important thing was making sure he listened to her now and gave his support -- treated her with respect. He began to see her differently. He wanted to make things right.   He had thought that things would change if only she would change. Now he knew that it was he who needed to change.

He talked to her and listened. She responded  positively. Within a few days they established rapport and a good working relationship. They both stopped blaming and started listening to each other.

Real self-refection means you step outside of yourself and see how you affect others. You look at the person you are really being, not just the one you think you are being. As for Jack and Shelley, this is how adults work things out.

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming , available in paperback at
http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html
Available in e-book on Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.

Self-reflection

His name was Jarrod. (Not his real name) He was intelligent, successful, and a good salesman. He shared a support staff with three other professionals. He sold events and often the information the support staff needed from him was late or missing. Yet he expected them to run perfect events. He blamed and criticized them. Some were intimidated by him. It was his job to be at the events he sold, but often he had more important things to do. The staff was left to run things, and he would criticize their efforts.

Over a period of a few years stress and pain increased in the office. Finally his manager confronted him and told him that if there was no improvement in 90 days, he would then be put on a 90 day improvement plan. The situation became worse. He was put on a 90 day improvement plan. I was hired as his coach. We formed a good rapport. I could find no outside forces-- family, spouse, illness that were causing him to behave as he did. He blamed and complained because he felt he was right.

Although we talked extensively about the impact of his way of being and behavior on the staff, he would consistently respond with: "But what about them?" I worked with "them" too, helping them to be more effective with him. He was unable or unwilling to self-reflect. It was always their fault, even when the facts demonstrated a different story. He chose being right over keeping his job. Jarrod lost his job and his manager kindly offered him leads for a new job. 

Self-reflection is necessary to move beyond blaming and function as an adult. If we don't look at ourselves in the mirror, we don't learn or grow. Honest feedback is needed or we may never understand and correct our errors.  I couldn't help Jarrod but I helped the manager and his staff to move on. There are times when a person improves an organization by leaving it. 

William Frank Diedrich,  Beyond Blaming,  found at http://noblaming.com

Accountability or Blame?

Accountability is what is missing today. Blame takes its place. Accountability is at the beginning. You clarify the goal and make a commitment to produce a result. Blaming comes after the fact. Maybe the goal was clear; maybe it wasn't. Blame usually rewrites history. It is a way of organizing facts along with some fiction to create a story that makes someone wrong. 

Blame is great sport and is very effective at creating fear in others. We blame our political leaders, but we don't hold them accountable. Political parties blame each other but they don't hold each other accountable. 

Accountability is based on clarity, commitment, and cooperation. It is unconditional. If you succeed, acknowledge those who helped you. If you fail, own it. Look at it closely and learn from it. 

If you set a goal to lose 30 pounds, you are accountable. If you don't lose the weight, there is no one to blame. Understand why you didn't lose it. You preferred comfort food over losing weight. You chose not to exercise. What can you learn? Perhaps losing weight is not that important  -- not as important as eating comfort food and sleeping in. If that is true, then don't set the goal. Wait until it is important and you really can commit. Why torture yourself with guilt and blame?

We promise too easily. Commit and be accountable. Look at your goals and ask yourself if you are accountable. Your marriage; your work; your health; your spiritual path; your financial well-being -- are you doing what needs to be done to succeed? The point here is not whether you succeed -- it is whether or not you are accountable. Succeed or fail, there is everything to learn and no one to blame.

William Frank Diedrich is the author of Beyond Blaming and the upcoming Adults at Work.
http://noblaming.com

The new accountability

The new accountability is the way adults function in an organization.  You are accountable when you sign up. Accountability is a commitment to see something through.  Once you are committed there are no excuses and no blaming. You are either committed or you aren't -- accountable or not. You either succeed or fail. If you fail, you learn from it. Determine what you will do differently.

If you set a goal -- to start business, lose weight, build a relationship, etc.  you are accountable. If you run a department at a company, you are accountable for that department's performance. If you are a parent raising children, you are accountable for the well-being of your children.  

In traditional organizations, accountability meant blame. Instead of being established at the beginning, it was placed at the end. Something goes wrong. Something fails. We looked to see whose fault it was. The only learning that took place was in how to defend yourself, or cover mistakes, or blame someone else.

In the new accountability you own it. Sometimes you share that ownership with others. For example, a teacher is accountable for her class, but she shares accountability for the whole school with her colleagues. Accountability is what is missing today in government and in many organizations. You and I can begin to change that simply by being accountable ourselves. No excuses. No blaming. Accountable! 

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming. 

http://noblaming.com

Ebook at Amazon.com  at  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008S2A6TW

The Eagerness to Blame: Obama and Cathy

The eagerness to blame is in all of us. The key is to become aware  and not to allow ourselves to be sucked into the vortex of emotion and finger pointing. Liberals and conservatives alike are eager to blame.

President Obama's now famous "You didn't build that .."   statement was taken out of context and used against him. Those of you on Facebook who used this skewed quote to promote your view seemed  more than delighted in his perceived mistake. Had you read the whole speech you would have seen how it was twisted and used against him. It's actually true that no one in this country does it alone when they become financially successful.  The freedom to be a capitalist is supported by roads and bridges, police and fire, teachers, military, and many more people and things we all take for granted. The president was simply saying that those who have made it financially need to pay it forward for the next person who wants to succeed. This was an opportunity exploited by the "Right" to cast Mr. Obama as a socialist. It serves only to divide our country further.

Dan Cathy's now famous quote about backing the "Biblical definition of marriage" was also skewed. He was asked, in an interview with a Baptist magazine how he felt about gay marriage. He said nothing hateful. Again many people on Facebook eagerly jumped into the drama telling people to stop eating Chick Fil-a. In 2008 President Obama was asked how he defined marriage. He said it was between a man and a woman. Right or wrong, that's how many people believe. Mr. Cathy is not going around giving anti-gay speeches nor does there seem to be evidence his business denies employment or service to anyone. He simply stated his belief when asked. It was an opportunity for the "Left" to blame the "Right" and it was exploited.  The last I checked, we still have freedom of speech. Do we all have to be politically correct?  If you are for gay marriage, blaming and condemning those who are against it isn't effective. Chick Fil-a has experienced a huge increase in business this week. 

Some of you may think that Liberalism in religion, culture and politics is the problem. Some of you may think that Conservatism in religion, culture and politics is the problem.  Blaming is the problem. The eagerness with which we attack each other is the problem. It's a problem, because our blaming prevents us from listening, from working together, and from solving real problems. Your opinion is not the answer to the problem. Being right is not an attainable goal. Dialogue and skillful discussion are needed. 

William Frank Diedrich, author of Beyond Blaming

now available on Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008S2A6TW

or in paperback at http://intelligentspirit.com/catalog.html

You are a light!

Each day you step into your life you bring something. You bring joy and wisdom, or you bring blaming and complaining. Whatever it is that you bring, you influence others. Who you are being is what you are giving. Which way does your influence go? 

Whatever your thoughts and emotions may be, that is your influence. Whatever assumptions you make, that is your influence. You are leading  other people toward wherever you are going. You are responsible for the impact you have on the world. 

You are a light!  Every affirming thought that you offer to others by way of your encouragement and your example, helps to lght the way for others. This includes your speech, your writing (whether you write emails, books, articles or postings on facebook), your expressions of art or music, and the way you carry yourself. All that you do either lifts up, or it depresses. It builds, or it destroys. You get to choose. 

You are a light. Let the rest of us see you today.

Beyond self righteous indignation

Self righteous indignation is a disease of the world. It has us yelling at each other, blaming, criticizing, complaining.  It runs rampant in today's politics. It is the justification for rudeness, lying, violence and even killing. Through blaming and self righteous indignation we become someone different then who we are.

We suspend our values. We abdicate responsibility for our behaviors.

Breathe and talk yourself off the ledge.  Ask: "Who am I being when I think and behave this way?"  If you are honest with yourself, it isn't pretty; or honest; or effective; and it doesn't really get you what you want.

The disease of self-righteous indignation has a cure. It begins with awareness. How does this attitude add to my well-being?  What effect does this have on others?  Who am I and what thoughts and behaviors truly reflect who I am?

You are responsible for your experience of the world. Respond powerfully by clarifying what you want and aligning your thoughts and behaviors with your goal. Be single minded.  Others may be self-righteous, but you need not catch the disease. You have choices and that makes you powerful.

William Frank Diedirch, author of Beyond Blaming,
http://noblaming.com